Tests, tools & research
The test bench: what we measure, and what we do not measure yet
Every page here is sourced rather than measured. This page explains what that means, what a measurement would have to satisfy to appear on the site, and what is being built first.
Why the industry numbers cannot simply be reused
Brands in this category publish intensity as a count of levels, loudness as an adjective and power as a marketing figure with no unit attached. Two toys that both advertise ten levels can differ by a factor of three at level one, and nothing in the published data would tell you.
Review sites fill that gap by publishing numbers without saying where they came from. A decibel figure with no stated distance, no stated room and no stated load is not a measurement, it is a decoration.
What a measurement has to satisfy to be published here
- A written method, published before the results. Distance, mounting, load, ambient conditions and instrument, all fixed and all stated.
- A date and a sample identity. Which unit, bought when and how, because production runs change.
- Repeats, not a single run. A figure with no repeat is an anecdote with a decimal point.
- The raw figure, not only the ranking. If the number cannot be published, the ranking derived from it should not be either.
- A statement of uncertainty. An instrument has a tolerance, and a measurement that hides it is pretending to a precision it does not have.
What is being built, in order
Noise, because it changes purchases
A fixed distance, a free-field mounting and a stated ambient floor, measured at every setting rather than at maximum only. Noise is the specification people most often cite as the reason a toy stopped being used.
Vibration character, because rumble and buzz are the real axis
Frequency and amplitude together, because a single power figure cannot distinguish a deep rumble from a thin buzz, and that distinction explains most disappointed purchases.
Battery under real load
Run time at a stated setting, not the advertised figure measured at the lowest. Charge time from empty, with the supplied cable.
Material verification where it is claimed
The most consequential claim in this industry is the one about what a toy is made of, and it is the one with the least oversight.
What will change on the site the day this exists
The research notice at the top of every page will be replaced by a link to the method and the run data for the specific figures on that page. Tables will carry a measurement source instead of a documentary one.
Pages written before that day will not be quietly upgraded. A page that was sourced stays marked as sourced until its figures are actually measured, and the corrections log records the change.
Questions people ask
- Why publish at all before the bench exists?
- Because most buying mistakes are made on material safety, fit and sizing, and none of those need an instrument. The guides answer those questions now and say openly where a measurement would be needed and is missing.
- Will the method be published?
- Yes, before the first results, so the figures can be checked and disputed. A method published afterwards can always be fitted to the numbers.
- Who pays for the tested units?
- Units are bought at retail. Anything ever supplied by a brand will be labeled as such on the page where its figures appear, and no supply arrangement will come with a condition on the outcome.
Explore
- Noise
Why a bare decibel figure and the words whisper quiet tell you nothing, and what a noise measurement has to state before it is worth publishing.
- Vibration strength
Ten levels, strongest ever and a wattage figure describe nothing you can compare. What amplitude and frequency do, and the method a strength figure needs.
- Comparison table
All 85 products this site covers, searchable, with the category page that argues for each. No specifications, and the reason is stated.
- Finder
A decision tree that routes you to the right category page. It recommends no product, because three answers cannot identify one.
- Battery life
Two hours on the box usually means the lowest setting on a new cell. What drains a toy, what shortens its life, and the method a run time figure needs.
- App range
Unlimited range describes an internet connection, not a Bluetooth one. The two links involved, what blocks them, and the method a range figure needs.
- Sex toy statistics
Most sex toy statistics online have lost their method on the way. What data genuinely exists, how to read a figure, and why this page quotes no numbers.
- Price index
The same toy costs very different amounts in seven markets. What drives the gap, why most price comparisons are wrong, and the method this index follows.
- Survey
Most figures about sex toy ownership trace back to a brand poll with no published method. What a survey has to disclose before it is worth citing.