Anal toys
Anal play for beginners: the three things that decide whether it hurts
Almost every bad first experience comes down to one of three things, and none of them is the toy. Get the lubricant, the pace and the size right and the rest of the advice online stops mattering.
Two things about the anatomy explain most of the difficulty. There are two sphincters, not one: the outer one you can control deliberately, and the inner one you cannot, which relaxes on its own and only once it is ready. And unlike the vagina, the rectum produces no lubrication at all, ever, under any circumstances.
Those two facts set the whole approach. Pushing against an inner sphincter that has not released is the sensation people describe as a sharp stop, and it does not yield to force, only to time. And since nothing self-lubricates, every bit of glide has to come out of a bottle, in quantities that will feel excessive the first time and are not.
The three things that decide it, in order
- Lubricant, far more than you think. Use more than seems reasonable, and reapply rather than pushing through friction. A thicker water-based gel or a hybrid holds up better here than a thin one. Silicone lubricant lasts longest of all and is the usual choice for longer sessions, but it degrades silicone toys, so pair it with glass, steel or ABS rather than with a silicone plug.
- Time, measured in minutes rather than seconds. The inner sphincter releases on its own schedule. The practical version of this is that a finger or the narrowest item should be comfortable and uninteresting before anything larger appears, and that arriving already aroused changes the experience more than any product does.
- Size, starting smaller than feels flattering. The commonest regret in this whole category is buying the intermediate size first. Diameter is what matters, not length, and the difference between a slim plug and a medium one is much larger in practice than the two pictures suggest.
- A flared base is not optional. The rectum can draw an object inward. Anything going in needs a base wider than the widest part of the body, or a retrieval loop, and that is a hard rule rather than a preference.
- Non-porous material only. Silicone, glass, stainless steel or ABS. Porous materials cannot be fully cleaned, and this is the one application where that matters most.
What we would start with
- 1
The sensible first plug
b-Vibeb-Vibe Snug Plug
Sold as a graduated set rather than as one size, which is exactly right for a category where the mistake is buying the middle size first. Weighted, so it sits noticeably without needing to be large.
- Strengths
- Several sizes, so the progression is built in
- Properly flared base
- Declared body-safe silicone
- Limitations
- Silicone body, so keep silicone lubricant away from it
- The weight is not to everybody’s taste
- Best for
- A genuine first purchase, where the right size is not yet known.
- 2
If you want it to work with silicone lubricant
NjoyNjoy Pure Plug / Pure Wand
Stainless steel, which solves the lubricant compatibility problem outright: nothing degrades it, silicone lubricant is fine, and it can be sterilized properly. The firmness is the trade-off and it is a real one.
- Strengths
- Non-porous and fully sterilizable
- Compatible with every lubricant
- Holds temperature, which some people want
- Limitations
- Heavy and unyielding, so size mistakes are less forgiving
- Expensive for a first purchase
- Best for
- Someone who already knows a slim size is comfortable and wants a permanent object.
- 3
Buy this before you buy any toy
Sliquid H2O / Uberlube / Pjur
The item that changes the outcome more than the toy does. A short ingredient list, no glycerin, and safe with every material on this page, including silicone.
- Strengths
- Compatible with silicone toys and latex
- No glycerin or parabens
- Rinses off properly
- Limitations
- Sold through retailers rather than a maker-run store, so there is no purchase link here
- Water-based, so it needs reapplying more often than silicone lubricant would
- Best for
- Everybody reading this page, before anything else on it.
A first session, in five steps
Go to the bathroom first, and then stop worrying about it
Emptying normally beforehand is enough for most people. Douching is not required, is irritating to the lining when done often, and is a common source of problems rather than a solution to them.
Get aroused before anything goes near the area
This is not a nicety. Arousal is what lets the inner sphincter release, and starting cold is the single biggest cause of the sharp stop people describe.
Start with a finger and enough lubricant to feel excessive
One finger, slowly, with the receiving person controlling the pace. The goal of the first attempt is comfort and boredom, not progress.
Insert, then wait without moving
Once the widest point is in, stop and let everything settle for a minute. Almost all discomfort in the first minute resolves by itself if nothing moves. Resuming too early is what turns it into pain.
Clean properly afterwards
Warm water and a mild soap for silicone and ABS; steel and glass can be boiled or sterilized if the maker says so. Dry fully before storing, and wash your hands before touching anything else.
Questions people ask
- Should it hurt the first time?
- No. Pressure, fullness and an unfamiliar urge to push are normal. Pain is not, and it is a signal to stop rather than something to work through. If it hurts every time despite enough lubricant and a slim size, that is worth raising with a doctor.
- Do I need to douche?
- For most people, no. Going to the bathroom normally beforehand is enough. Frequent douching strips the lining and irritates it, which makes everything more fragile rather than cleaner.
- Why can I not use silicone lubricant with a silicone plug?
- Silicone lubricant can soften and degrade the surface of a silicone toy over time, which leaves it tacky and eventually porous. Use water-based with silicone toys, and save silicone lubricant for glass, steel and ABS.
- Is numbing lubricant ever appropriate?
- No. It removes the feedback that tells you something is wrong, which is the opposite of what a beginner needs. Products marketed for this purpose are the clearest example of something sold against the interest of the person buying it.
- How long before trying a larger size?
- There is no schedule, and anybody giving you one is inventing it. The honest test is whether the current size is comfortable, easy to insert and uneventful. If it is not, a larger one will not be either.
- Is a plug meant to stay in?
- A properly flared plug can be worn, and many people do. Take it out if there is pain, numbness or any bleeding, and do not sleep with one in: you cannot respond to a problem you are not awake for.