Dildos & strap-ons
How to use a dildo: the four things that actually matter
There is nothing to learn about the object. Everything that makes it work or not work is about lubricant, angle, pace and what you do afterwards.
A dildo is a shape. It has no motor, no modes and nothing to adjust, which means it has no way to compensate for being used badly. That sounds like a limitation and it is actually the appeal: the sensation comes from pressure, angle and movement you control directly, and nothing about it is mediated by a motor that only knows one speed.
The commonest problems are the same four every time, and none of them is about technique in any complicated sense. Not enough lubricant, the wrong angle, going faster than the body has adjusted to, and cleaning a material that cannot actually be cleaned. Get those right and the object does its job; get them wrong and no amount of shopping fixes it.
The one genuinely useful thing to understand is that the vaginal canal is not a straight tube and it is not horizontal. It angles backwards and upwards, and it changes shape with arousal and with position. Most reports of a toy being uncomfortable at a size that should be fine are reports of an angle fighting the anatomy rather than of a toy being too large.
The four things, in order of how often they are the problem
- Lubricant, and then more lubricant. Silicone against tissue is high friction and it gets drier as you go. Water-based is the default, it needs reapplying rather than topping up at the start, and reapplying is normal rather than a sign something is wrong.
- Angle before depth. Aim back and slightly up rather than straight in, and change the angle in small increments at a shallow depth. Almost everything described as too big is a toy at the wrong angle.
- Pace set by the receiving body. Tissue accommodates over seconds to minutes, not instantly. Insert slowly, stop at the first resistance, wait, then continue. Pushing through resistance is how people conclude a size does not work for them when it does.
- The material decides the cleaning. Non-porous silicone, glass or steel can be washed properly and, with no electronics, boiled. Soft, stretchy, sweet-smelling toys are porous, cannot be disinfected and cannot be shared safely, whatever the box says.
- A base is a safety feature, not a styling choice. For anal use it is mandatory. For vaginal use it is a convenience; for anal use it is the difference between a toy and an emergency department visit.
Two toys that make the technique easy rather than hard
- 1
The one to learn on
TantusTantus (2 dildos)
Firm platinum-cure silicone with a straightforward shape and a real base. Firmness is the property that lets you control angle precisely, which is the variable that matters most, and a soft toy that bends takes that control away.
- Strengths
- Firm enough to transmit a deliberate angle
- Non-porous silicone, boilable, shareable with a condom
- Base makes it safe for anal use and usable in a harness
- Limitations
- Firmness is unforgiving if your pace is wrong
- No published shore hardness figure, as almost nowhere in this market
- Plain, if the look matters to you
- Best for
- A first dildo, and the honest default for most people on this page.
- 2
If the curve is what you are missing
LeloLelo Soraya Wave
A pronounced upward curve with a motor behind it. Included because angle is the hardest thing to get right by hand, and a shape that holds the angle for you is a legitimate shortcut to it.
- Strengths
- Curve does the aiming for you
- Adds vibration without losing the shape
- Rechargeable and submersible
- Limitations
- A motor means a sealed hollow body, so less firm than a solid toy
- Expensive relative to a plain silicone shape
- Proprietary charger
- Best for
- Someone who has worked out that angle rather than size is their variable.
The sequence, start to finish
Wash it before, not only after
Warm water and unscented soap. A toy that has been in a drawer has been in a drawer, and this takes fifteen seconds.
Apply more lubricant than seems necessary
On the toy and on the body. Water-based against silicone. Dry friction is the single commonest cause of a session that stops being comfortable.
Insert slowly, and stop at the first resistance
Wait rather than push. Tissue accommodates in seconds. The pause is the technique, and skipping it is what makes a workable size feel impossible.
Find the angle at a shallow depth
Small changes, back and up, before going further. Most discomfort attributed to size is an angle problem and is solved here rather than by buying something smaller.
Clean it properly and let it dry
Soap and water for everything; boiling or a dishwasher top rack periodically for solid silicone, glass or steel with no electronics. Store it dry and not touching other toys.
Questions people ask
- How much lubricant do I need?
- More than you think, and again partway through. Water-based is the safe default against silicone. Reapplying is normal and is not a sign that something is wrong with you or with the toy.
- Why does it feel uncomfortable at a size that should be fine?
- Usually angle, occasionally pace. The canal runs back and up and changes with arousal. Try small angle changes at a shallow depth before concluding the toy is too big.
- Firm or soft?
- Firm gives you precise control of angle, which is what most people actually need. Soft feels more like a body and takes that control away. Dual density is the construction that tries to do both.
- Can I boil it?
- Solid platinum-cure or tin-cure silicone, glass and stainless steel with no electronics, yes, for a few minutes. Anything with a motor, a battery or a seam, no. Soap and water otherwise.
- Do I need a base if I am not using a harness?
- For vaginal use it is convenience. For anal use it is mandatory and there is no version of that advice with an exception in it.