Dildos & strap-ons
Pegging for beginners: the preparation matters more than the kit
Nearly every first attempt that goes badly goes badly for the same two reasons: the toy was too big, and there was not enough lubricant. Both are fixable before you spend anything.
Pegging is penetrative anal sex with a strap-on, usually a woman wearing a harness with a man receiving. There is nothing mechanically unusual about it, and the equipment is ordinary: a dildo, a harness, and more lubricant than you think.
What makes it worth a page of its own is that the two people involved have completely different jobs. The receiving partner has to relax a muscle that tightens reflexively, which takes time and cannot be rushed. The wearing partner has to control depth and speed without the feedback that comes from feeling it, which is genuinely harder than it sounds and is the reason first attempts frequently go too fast.
The anus produces no lubrication of its own and the tissue is thinner than vaginal tissue. That is the whole safety story, and it is why lubricant is not optional and why going slowly is not a matter of preference.
Five things to get right before anything goes anywhere
- Start smaller than you want to. The commonest mistake by a wide margin. A first dildo should be around an inch to an inch and a quarter across, which looks disappointingly modest in a photograph and is plenty. You can buy a bigger one later; a painful first attempt frequently ends the whole project.
- Lubricant, far more than feels reasonable. Thick water-based, reapplied during rather than once at the start. If you think you have used too much, you have probably used about the right amount.
- The harness is a separate fitting problem. Buy the dildo first, because it is the part that has to be non-porous and the right firmness, then choose a harness around its base. A boxed kit sells you a harness that may not fit and a shaft you did not choose.
- Fingers first, on a different day. One finger, then two, with lubricant, with the receiving partner in control. This is how you find out what the angle is and how long relaxing actually takes, and it costs nothing.
- Who sets the pace is agreed in advance. The receiving partner. The person wearing the toy cannot feel what is happening, so the instruction has to come from the other direction, out loud, including the instruction to stop.
What to buy, in this order
- 1
Buy this first
b-Vibeb-Vibe Snug Plug
Not a pegging toy, which is the point. A small weighted plug is the cheapest way for the receiving partner to find out what being full feels like, in their own time and without a second person waiting. It also makes the second purchase an informed one rather than a guess.
- Strengths
- Small enough for a genuine first experience
- Proper flared base
- Non-porous silicone, cleans and boils
- Limitations
- Not what you are ultimately shopping for
- The weight is a preference, not an upgrade
- Best for
- The week or two before any attempt at penetration with a strap-on.
- 2
The shaft to mount
TantusTantus (2 dildos)
A solid one-piece silicone dildo with a flared base that fits standard harness rings. Firmness is the specification that matters here: too soft and it folds against resistance instead of entering, which is uncomfortable for both people. Choose the smallest one in the range you are considering.
- Strengths
- Non-porous and boilable, which matters for anal use
- Flared base suits standard O-rings
- Firm enough to transmit pressure without being rigid
- Limitations
- The harness is a separate purchase
- No vibration
- Heavier than a hollow shaft
- Best for
- A first strap-on shaft, bought on its own and matched to a harness afterwards.
A first attempt, in five steps
Talk about it when nobody is aroused
What each of you wants from it, what is off the table, and the agreement that the receiving partner calls the pace and can stop it at any point without discussion. That conversation is the single highest-value preparation there is.
Spend a couple of weeks on fingers and a small plug
Alone, unhurried, with lubricant. The point is not practice for its own sake; it is finding the angle and learning how long relaxing takes, which is usually longer than either person expects.
Set the position so the receiving partner controls depth
On their front with hips raised, or on their back, or on all fours and backing on to it. Whatever lets them push back rather than be pushed into, because the person wearing the toy cannot feel the resistance.
Go in and then stop
Tip in, hold still, wait for the muscle to settle, and only then move. The reflex is to push through resistance; waiting it out is what works. Add lubricant again at this point.
End it early and talk the next day
A short first attempt that ends well is worth far more than a long one that ends badly. Discuss it once you are both ordinary again: what to keep, what to change, whether the size was right.
Questions people ask
- What size should a first dildo be?
- Around an inch to an inch and a quarter across, and shorter than you think you need. It will look modest and it will be plenty. Buying bigger first is the single commonest reason a first attempt ends the whole idea.
- Does it hurt?
- It should not. Pressure and fullness are expected, sharp pain is not. Pain almost always means too fast, too big or not enough lubricant, in that order.
- Do we need to buy a kit?
- No, and a kit is usually the worse buy. The dildo has to be non-porous and the right firmness, and the harness has to fit a specific body. Those are two separate decisions that kits make for you.
- Do I need to douche first?
- Usually not. A shower and having had a bowel movement earlier in the day is enough for most people, and repeated douching irritates the lining. If you want to go further than that, ask a clinician rather than a forum.
- Can we use a vibrating dildo?
- Only if it has a genuine flared base and a shape your harness ring accepts, and most motorized shafts fail one of those. Start with a solid silicone shape and add vibration elsewhere.
- Why can my partner not tell they are going too fast?
- Because they have no sensation from the toy. That is the structural problem in this activity and the reason the receiving partner has to set the pace out loud rather than by signals.